I have considered every aspect of this bill and although I think that right now it will not pay for itself, in the very near future it has a strong chance of paying for itself and even resulting in a surplus to go towards the national debt.  The vast majority of provisions in the bill will no doubt be costly, after all the intention is to ensure that everyone has adequate health care.  It isn’t cheap to insure 300 million people.  In reality, a large chunk of those 300 million will be paying for their own health care plus a little more to help cover the less fortunate, so I think that part will be a wash.  The part that really worried me was the administrative costs.  Yes, the bill proposes all kinds of things to ensure this program is administered as efficiently as possible.  Those of us who actually work in the government sector know better.  Few, if any government run programs are run efficiently.  I guess much of that is subjective, efficiency can be a fairly elusive concept to nail down. The bill we have made into law recently creates dozens of new federal agencies and will require hiring over 15,000 new IRS employees to manage certain monitoring and collection functions. I have not been able to find an estimate of just how many new federal employees will be hired so I am just going to guess and say its about one cubic butt load. For those readers unfamiliar with that term, I assure it is very large.

Those pesky admin costs really had me not liking this bill until I was reminded today of the Tanning Tax. Wow, this is what really put me over for this bill. I hadn’t thought much of the Tanning Tax recently since I had completely written it off as stupid and inconsequential when it was first proposed. I personally thought that the “Botox” Tax was a much better idea as a revenue generator since it would levy a tax on all elective plastic surgery. Living in Southern California, I can tell that this would result in a ton of annual money. No matter what the rate, these people will not give up their plastic surgery! Unfortunately, the “Botox” Tax was not included in the final bill. Apparently the plastic surgeons have a better lobbying group than the tanning salon owners. No big surprise there really. We still have the Tanning Tax though, and its inclusion is really the key to making this whole thing work. Will a ten percent tax on each and every tanning session pay for all the admin costs in this bill? Oh, hell no! But it doesn’t have to. And that is the real beauty of it all.

The justification for the Tanning Tax is fairly simple. People who use tanning booths are more likely to get skin cancer and thus should have to pay some extra fee in order to help defray the costs of treating those cancers later in life. To be honest, I have no idea how much a typical tanning session costs. I live in Southern California and drive a convertible, so I pretty much get my daily Vitamin D for free. Lets assume for this scenario though that the tax will amount to $2.00 per visit. If a person were to tan once a week for 30 years, that would generate $3,120 (not adjusted for inflation) in taxes. Now I am also not familiar with how much it costs to treat skin cancer after 30 years of UV exposure, but I think its likely more than the tax will generate. However, since these people will now be taking advantage of their brand new super whamodyne health care packages and seeing the doctor much more often, most of these cancers will be detected early enough that they can be excised right there in the doctor’s office for a mere pittance! That leaves the rest of that tax money to go towards paying the admin costs! A recent study shows that as many as 30 million people a year use tanning salons. Even cutting the total in half to account for people who only use them seasonally, this tax provides over $700 million a year! That will pay for a veritable army of admin types.

And it doesn’t end there. Once people realize what great revenue generator the Tanning Tax is, it will be easy to add in new taxes to pay for all those other risky behaviors. Tired of paying for other peoples weight related health problems? There’s a tax for that! Want to make sure Uncle Fred pays his fair share for laying around on the couch eating chips all day and then needing a coronary bypass? There’s a tax for that! How about stupid drivers that cut you off on the freeway? They are most likely going to use up more emergency medical care than you. There’s a tax for that! Studies show that unhappy people get sick more often than happy people. So you better turn that frown upside down buddy because there’s a tax for that to! The amount of money that we can generate using this amazing process is virtually limitless. How about skydivers? They like to claim that compared to the number of jumps per year, their accident rate is actually very low. That may be true, but if that chute doesn’t open and Mr. Jumpoutofaperfectlygoodplane happens to survive, he is going to be in the hospital for a long time. And besides, it just looks dangerous. YOU ARE JUMPING OUT OF A FREAKING PLANE FOR GOD’S SAKE!

Of course we have to work out all the details of exactly how to assess and collect these taxes, how much the rate will be, and a few other minor details but in the end it should be obvious that it is all paid for and we will still have funds left over. By my calculations (which I am performed in my bathroom with the lights off so nobody could see, and no I am not going to share the numbers with you) we will completely erase the national debt within 3 years. Yes, that’s right three short years. Damn I am excited. Being a liberal is so much more rewarding than hanging out with those stupid redneck tea-partiers.

So I am on your side now guys! Just as long as you are going to let me wear my gun to the next coffee party. What’s that? Oh, you’re uncomfortable around armed people… Well never mind then, it was a nice thought though.

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I have made many efforts to alleviate this problem.  I have two drawers in my desk with hanging file folders neatly labeled for every concievable subject I may need to file under.  I use a personal planner from Franklin Covey where I can keep schedule information, phone numbers, and lots of other information that I wasn’t even aware I needed to keep track of until I bought the planner.  And yet, I still end up with piles of stuff cluttering my desk.  Due to having so many drawers and piles, finding any specific item usually takes awhile.  Sometimes, I can’t find the item at all even though I am sure I did not throw it away.  If I threw things away, I doubt I would have so many large piles.  I am convinced that once a certain mass density is reached on a desk, small black holes are formed.  These black holes are not large enough to be immediately noticed but do have enough gravitational pull to suck in one or two pieces of paper before disipating.

Being the good manager that I am, I decided to evaluate all of the above problem areas and then develop and implement a workable solution.  And so I am proud to present to you the optimum filing system for the chronically disorganized, the “Monocolumnar Administration, Information and Data System” or MAIDS.  Implementation is simple; take everything on or in your desk and put it in one big pile on the corner.  Finding any item is now simply a matter of excavation, the search phase has been eliminated.

Jim – “Hey Rich, where did you put the schedule for next week”

Rich – “Right there” (points to MAIDS)

Jime – “Hey Rich, do you have laste weeks TPS report?”

Rich – “Yep, right there” (points to MAIDS)

I still haven’t figured out how to solve the black hole issue.  I requisitioned a particle accelerator yeaterday.  I’ll let you know how that works out next week.

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I currently drive a 2001 Toyota Mr2 Spyder.  This car already gets pretty decent gas mileage, but every little bit counts right?  So, on my last tank of gas, I followed all the tips and tricks that I could reasonably follow from this website  http://www.hypermiling.com.  Several of the suggestions really didn’t seem too necessary to me so I chose not to use them.  I really didn’t think I needed a chilled vest since I rarely use the AC anyway, and my tire pressure is usually dead on.

For those of you who have never heard of hypermiling and were to lazy to read the website, here is a short summary of what this change of driving habits entails.  Basically you drive more sensibly and with a constant mind set of increasing your mileage.  I figured I would see great gains in mileage as I normally drive like wild raccoon on crack, so this part was easy.  The hard part is when you get into the more “advanced” techniques such as coasting up to red lights in hope that they will change before you have to make a full stop, taking exit ramps while slowing down as little as possible, driving at or just below the speed limit, and generally pissing off everyone around you.  This has proven to be most difficult here in Southern California, garnering me far more attention on the freeway than I ever wanted.

So, after a full tank of dodging red lights, avoiding road rage on the freeway, and basically driving like grandma after a trip to the dentist, the little light came on and I went and filled it back up.  I pretty much knew the results based on how many miles I got out of the tank, but I wanted to do the calculation anyway to get the most accurate numbers.  And the net gain for all my hard work and painful foot restraint?  Three lousy freakin miles per gallon!!

I don’t who these freaks are that talk about getting 150 miles per gallon, but they must live at the top of a hill and push the car home at the end of the day.  Granted, the guys getting 150 mpg are driving hybrids, but there are guys driving regular little 4 cylinders like mine claiming to get 60 mpg.   They should be thrown into a fiery pit of burning oil, liars!  They can have their damn hypermiling, I don’t think the lousy three mpg is worth the bullets I will have to dodge on the freeway if I keep driving like this.  In fact, I think I need to put a bigger engine in my car so I can use even more gas!

So keep the pedal to the metal and don’t let granny pass you!

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